


Let Go

by CaptEdKenway



Category: Advanced Warfare - Fandom, Call of Duty
Genre: F/M, Gideon break down, Hurt, Meltdown, Some F-Bombs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 01:26:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4121248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptEdKenway/pseuds/CaptEdKenway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After surviving a brutal trap set by Atlas and losing a massive number of men, Gideon experiences a break down that's a long time coming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Sentinel two-one, what's your status?" Gideon yelled into his com. Shots were flying, it was utter chaos.

"I'm completely surrounded zero-one, pinned down by drones, 2 ASTs and snipers everywhere," Mitchell responded. "I can't move at all."

Fuck. Gideon and his teamed had walked right into an Atlas trap and it was a complete and utter clusterfuck.

"Keep your cover two-one. I'm pinned in as well."

Gideon looked around him, he was hiding behind two cargo crates but every time he tried to peek around shots would whiz past him. One had actually grazed his head. Had it been 1/8" closer his brains would be all over the ground behind him.

Across from him hiding behind more cargo crates, Private Rourke was also pinned in. They were both out of tactical grenades and every time they tried to provide cover fire for each other, as soon as their guns poked out a volley of return fire would hit. For the first time Gideon was actually very worried. Unless something miraculous happened, he saw no way to get out of his predicament.

Suddenly Gideon's com went crazy.

"Zero-one we're are under heavy fire, we have 7, repeat 7 AST's approaching. We are low on ammo...."

Static followed the panicked call.

"Four-One, what's your status?"

"Sentinel four-one, repeat, what is your status?"

His only response was continued static. Goddamn it Gideon thought, he just lost more men.

"Kingpin, where the fuck is our exfil?! We're getting slaughtered out here!" Gideon yelled.

"Copy zero-one. We have tangos in the air preventing your exfil. Maintain your cover."

Gideon swore. They were barely able to maintain their cover, they couldn't fight back, and the Atlas troops were advancing.

Gideon turned to Rourke to get his attention. The stupid rookie leaned forward to hear what Gideon was going to say and was immediately struck by several rounds. Gideon watched in horror as the young man's throat exploded and he flew back. He rolled over and just stared at Gideon, mouth gaping like a fish out of water as he bled out.

Gideon howled in anger and frustration.

***

Two hours later Gideon stepped off the helicopter, followed by Mitchell, Ilona and 4 other surviving members of his squad.

6 survivors, out of 55. He didn't say a word, ignoring the demands to go to medical to have his injuries tended, just plowed through to the armory. He threw his guns at the custodian, ripped his exo suit off and threw it across the room.

Mitchell had taken two rounds, one to the chest that thankfully his armored vest had taken, but one got him in the leg. He was on his way to the med unit to have it tended. Ilona walked in just as Gideon was leaving. She tried to put her arm out to comfort Gideon, but he slapped it away.

"No. Don't!" He growled at her. She stepped back and nodded, giving him his room. She had known Gideon long enough to know he needed his space. But this had been worse than any failure Gideon had ever experienced. She knew he was going to take each and every one of his men's deaths personally and feel like he had let each of them down. For all of his gruffness and 'I don't give a fuck' attitude, she knew deep down a piece of him died every time he lost a man. He would feel personally responsible for their deaths, even when the cause was completely out of his control. There was no way any of them could have known that Atlas had set up such an epic trap to take Sentinel down.

Gideon headed to his barrack. If people gave him a wide berth, he didn't notice. Not that he would've cared. He unlocked his door and slammed it shut. He stood in the middle of his room, breathing heavy, grabbing handfuls of hair and yanking. He whipped around and kicked a chair from his table, then picked up a second one and threw it as hard as he could at his window. The fact that his window was bullet and shatter-proof was very unsatisfying right now.  He began pacing, feeling almost like a panic attack was forming. He went over to his fridge, took a bottle of beer out and guzzled it. Maybe  he could get completely shitfaced and be numb to what just happened. He finished the first bottle and emptied a second. Damn, even just a buzz would help.

Still pacing he had an overwhelming urge to hit something. He threw the empty beer bottle into the trash and stormed back out. He power walked down to the gym, his anxiety level rising with each step. He was losing his shit, he thought to himself.

He stormed into the gym, saw two rookies working out and yelled "You two! Get out! NOW." As Gideon began removing his combat jacket so that he was just in a t-shirt and headed to where the boxing gloves were kept, the two rookies hightailed it out of the gym, not even stopping to collect their duffel bags.

Gideon gloved himself up and headed over to the heavy bags and began hitting. At first he was making proper hits, controlled, correct form. But with each hit he became more erratic until he was just wailing on the bag, no form or control. Just pure aggression as he wailed away. When he realized his face was wet with tears, he angrily wiped his face. "Don't be a fucking pussy you git!" He yelled to himself. "Do you think any of those men YOU lost today cried? NO. They fucking died like men!" Pound, pound, pound. "They died because of YOU!" Pound, pound, pound.

And so it continued, until he was worked up into such a frenzy he was on the verge of having a breakdown.

***

Ilona had called you 30 minutes ago and told you what happened. You knew already, having been reading the reports in real-time.

You had been looking for Gideon. You checked his quarters,  saw the destruction of the chairs and the empty room. You were heading towards the commissary to see if you were in there when two rookies with wide eyes walked past talking about a crazy man who ordered them out of the gym, and how were they going to get their gear back.

You realized that they were probably talking about Gideon, so you turned the other way and headed to the gym. As you came up on the door you could hear quite a commotion going on inside, despite the door being closed. You took a deep breath. You quietly opened the door, then just as quietly closed the door and secured it, giving you a few minutes of privacy. You stood there and watched Gideon falling apart, attacking the heavy bag. He was yelling at himself, sweat pouring off of him with his exertion. You gave him a few more minutes before you slowly made your way over to him. You walked wide so that you were in his field of vision to avoid startling him.

He saw you, and for a brief moment ceased his assault on the bag. Your heart broke into a million tiny pieces when you took in the look on his face, the dejected way his arms just hung. You hurried over to him and threw your arms around him. He brought his gloved hands around you, his head landed on your shoulder and he sagged in defeat. You both went down to your knees and you just hugged him for all it was worth, and Gideon suddenly let out a sob.

"Jesus fucking Christ," he cried.

You hugged him tighter. "Shh, it's ok, it's ok. I've got you babe." You had one arm around his shoulders and back, the other cradled his head, running your fingers threw his hair. You kissed his temple and began to rock. You could feel Gideon fighting himself, no doubt thinking he was being weak by breaking down.

"Gideon let it out. It's ok. There's no one here but us." You continued to cradle him, fingers in his hair, strong hand on his back. You just kept rocking him as he shuddered and fought his emotions.

"Babe, let go, it's ok. You're safe. I have you," you said. Gideon finally surrendered and began to sob, holding on to you for dear life. You knew at this moment you were his life line.

"That's it, let go. Just let it go." You whispered.

After some time you could feel Gideon starting to wane. He began to take in big shuddering breaths, trying to sort himself out. You just kept doing what you had been, hugging him, cradling him, soothing him. Being a rock so that for once he didn't have to be.

His breathing finally began to even out, and even though he still had a death grip on you, you could feel his body starting to relax. He was probably going to crash soon from exhaustion and emotional overload. He had just had a cathartic meltdown that was probably a long time coming.

You pulled back a bit so you could see his face. It was red, wet, defeated looking. You wiped his eyes gently, making sure you showed no signs of pity, just love and support. You kissed him gently and noticed his eyes drooping.

"Come on Captain, let's get you to your quarters. I think you've earned a rest."

Gideon didn't respond as you helped him up. You unwrapped the gloves and removed them from his hands. His knuckles were red and angry looking. You couldn't even imagine the amount of force needed to bruise his knuckles through the boxing gloves. You tossed them into the basket with the other gloves, then bent down to retrieve his jacket. You noticed him shivering as he stood there silently, eyes downcast. Slipping the coat on, you took his hand and headed out, unlocking the door and urging him on.

Thankfully the hallways were empty. Even though no one would have thought any less of the captain, it was best that he not be subjected to anyone showing pity. He wouldn't tolerate pity being shown him.

You made it back to him room and let yourselves in. You led him over to his bunk and sat him down. You removed his jacket, then bent down and untied his combat boots, removing them. He just sat there, shivering never saying a word, not meeting your eyes. His body was beginning to shut down you thought, the adrenaline having dissipated. You knew you had a bit of a battle on your hands helping him get through this. Pulling back the covers you made him lay down and tucked his legs in, pulling the sheet and blanket up over him.

"Get some sleep Gid. Try and rest and I promise you'll feel a bit better." Gideon looked at you, but it was kind of a vacant stare. Finally he closed his eyes and let out a long body-shaking sigh. You caressed his face, soothing him to sleep.

"Let go my tough captain. You don't need to be the rock right now." You whispered. As you continued to caress his face and brush his hair back, Gideon finally drifted off to sleep.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Gideon slept for five hours, although not a completely settled five hours. You stayed with him as the nightmares unfolded, soothing him back to sleep each time. An hour and a half before he woke he had finally settled into a more peaceful sleep. You had contacted Cormack with an update on what was going on, and that Gideon would be off com for a while. Cormack had told you that Gideon was officially on leave at this point to allow him time to recover. You both knew Gideon would push back on that and get back to work, but you would use whatever time you could get.

You noticed him starting to rouse, and you moved over and sat next to him on the bed. He was on his stomach, arm hanging down off the side. You began to rub his back hoping that maybe he would go back to sleep a little longer, but his eyes opened and he brought his dangling arm up and stuck it under his head. He didn't say anything, didn't make eye contact. You kept silent, massaging his back and giving him the time he needed to fully awake.

You ran your hands up to his shoulders and kneaded them, trying to work out the tension you could feel. Bringing them back down along his spine you went down to his waist and kneaded his lower back, working the muscles there, then back up to the shoulders.

Gideon turned his head into the pillow, rubbing his face, then turned back out.

"How long was I out", he asked.

You kept massaging as you replied. "Five hours or so. It's 22:00. I was hoping you'd sleep a bit longer, I think you need it."

He didn't respond, and you didn't press. You knew Gideon was trying to process everything in his head and work through it. You knew how he worked, and you didn't push. Gideon rolled over suddenly, onto his back, one arm behind his head. He finally made eye contact with you. Inside, your heart shattered again at the pain in his eyes. Outside, you were a rock.

"I really fucked up this time", he whispered.

You were rubbing his chest now, maintaining physical contact between you. "Did you orchestrate the trap?" You asked.

Confusion filled his eyes, "what? No, why the fuck would you ask that?"

You looked back at him, "did you have prior knowledge that you were walking into a trap?"

Gideon just looked at you like you were crazy. "No, I didn't".

"You did not cause this Gideon. Was is a complete mess? Yes. Did good men lose their lives? Yes. Were you responsible? No."

Gideon began to look away, shaking his head and shutting down. You grabbed his chin and made him look at you.

"I know you feel responsible for what happened, that you should have somehow magically divined that you were walking into a trap. I know how deeply each man's loss affects you. I know that despite your gruff exterior you are breaking inside for what happened. You had bad intel, seriously bad intel. The fact that some of you walked away from this is a miracle."

Gideon sat up, pushing himself back so he was leaning back against the wall.

"I was in charge of that mission, those men's deaths are on me". He scrubbed his hands over his face in frustration. "I should've found a way to prevent it, to get them out of there."

You took one of his hands in both of yours, resting it in his lap.

"Gideon, this mission was set to fail from the get go, and nothing you did or didn't do was going to prevent that. Atlas had a noose around you. They planned this one well and walked away the victor. It's done, there's no going back, no reset, no restart mission from last checkpoint. It sucks shit. I'm not trying to belittle what happened, or tell you to suck it up. What I am saying is you've taken too much on emotionally. Each loss, step backwards, death...you've held on to that over 15 years in this business and you've reached your breaking point. You have to let it go so that you can move on and honor those men."

Gideon was hanging his head, not looking at you, but you had the sense he was hearing you. He was squeezing your hand, and you pulled it up to kiss his now bruised knuckles.

"When I'm in the trauma room with a soldier on my table, ripped to shreds, it hits me so fucking hard. Each time I have to tell a soldier I was unable to save a leg, or an arm, or their eyes, each time I have to face parents or spouses and tell them I did everything I could, but it wasn't enough, it fucking kills me inside. But as harsh as it sounds, at some point I have to let go or I will go insane from the constant stream of broken bodies passing through my triage room, and then I will be completely and utterly useless to those I was able to save."

Gideon looked up at you at this, seeming to roll your words around in his head.

"Maybe you're able to let go better because you're a woman. I can't do it, I can't show..."

You cut him off abruptly. "Oh my god, you did not just go there," you said sternly, but with a twinkle in your eye. "I can show weakness because I'm a girl, and you the mighty man can't?"

Gideon tried to backtrack his words but it was no use. "No I mean, you know, it comes more naturally for a woman, right?" You laughed at his utter embarrassment at putting his foot in his mouth. You had a feeling you knew what he was trying to say, but it wasn't coming out right.

He sighed, scrubbing his face again. "Fuck, I don't know how to do it, how to let go."

"You have to give up the control that it has over you. By surrendering to the acceptance that sometimes things go to shit, you release the hold it has over you, and it allows you to move forward."

You knew exactly what would put him the right frame of mind to surrender, and you went with it. You began to run your hands over his legs, then leaned in and kissed him.

"Let me help you move on from this. Let me be your rock, I want you to _just feel_ ," you murmured to him.

Gideon took in a sharp breath, reaching up to cup your face as you leaned in again, kissing him deeply.

"Ok," he whispered back.

With that, you ran your hands up and under his t-shirt, feeling his ribcage and his back. You slowly lifted the shirt off of him, kissing his collar bone, the hollow of his neck. You placed butterfly kisses down his chest, licking a nipple. He inhaled sharply again at that, so  you licked the other one.

"Fuck me..." he rasped. When he started to lift your shirt off you stopped, shaking you head. "Nope, I'm in control, you're just feeling."

You could see it in his eyes, the need to be in control at all times warring with the need to surrender to you. You waited a beat, then reached down to undo the zipper on his pants. You shrugged them off along with his boxers and made him lay back down, flat on his back.

"Put your hands behind your head and leave them there."

Gideon did as he was told, his arousal firmly ramped up. "Close your eyes, and relax," you breathed. When he obeyed, you straddled him, still clothed, and leaned in to kiss him, sucking on his bottom lip. You could feast on his mouth for hours, but you had other areas to sample. You worked your way down, kissing his Union Jack tattoo, his adams apple, his pecs. Your hands were continuously running over his rock solid body, defined from years in the military. You tongued his belly button, causing him to twitch. You knew he was ticklish right there, so you did it again just to because you could. He twitched again, harder. Your hands were on his hips, followed by your lips. You ghosted over his cock, intentionally not touching it. You heard him moan and try to arch up, put you pushed back down, denying him. You worked your way down his legs, hands kneading thighs and calves, lips sucking.

"Don't move, don't talk," you said. Gideon just nodded.

You stood up and removed your clothes quickly, then climbed back up. Gideon sighed when he felt your skin to skin contact. He started to move his arms to touch you, then caught himself.

"God I want to touch you."

"You will, when I'm done," you said.

You started at his feet and worked back up his body, kneading and kissing, sucking and licking. This time though when you got to his cock, you decided to stay there. You blew a light breath over it, watching Gideon squirm under you. Then very slowly you ran your tongue from the bottom of his shaft all the way to his tip.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" Gideon wheezed, hands clutching the pillow under his head fiercely.

You licked his tip, tasting his salty precum, then blew a light breath over it again. You slowly took his cock into your mouth and sucked and licked gently, not rushing it. Gideon was breathing heavy now, but he was continuing to not move his hands and kept his eyes closed as he had been told. You released his cock and sucked each ball into your mouth, rolling them with your tongue while your hand worked his cock. God he was so fucking hard. You gave him one more lick up the shaft and over the tip, then continued up his stomach to his chest, sucking each nipple hard. When you got back to his face, you kissed him hard, sliding your tongue in to tangle with his.

"Open your eyes and sit up," you said. Gideon immediately obeyed. "Touch me," you whispered to him.

He leaned in and kissed you, his arms wrapping around you. His hands wandered up your back, into your hair. You sat up over his cock and lowered yourself onto it, and Gideon gasped out.

"Oh fucking hell," he cried softly. You began to move on his cock, eliciting moans from both of you. You rode him gently, relishing in the feel of his hard length buried deep in your heat. He had a hold of you, his head buried in your neck. He began to kiss your chest, hands roaming over your back and down to your ass, cupping it. He sucked your nipple into his mouth and you arched into him greedily.

You picked up your pace on his cock, feeling desperation not only in him, but yourself. Maybe you both needed this, not just him. You hadn't honestly dealt yet with the fact you almost lost him today, as well as two friends who miraculously came home. But you wouldn't think about it now, right now it was about the man under you, inside you.

Gideon looked up into your eyes and you could see so many emotions pass through them, emotions he wouldn't allow anyone but you to see. Fear, lust, anger, love. Acceptance for what was. You leaned in and kissed him passionately, putting everything you felt for him into your kiss.

Gideon shifted, lifting you up and laying you on your back on the bed and immediately began to thrust into you. The power had shifted, he was once again in control. He kept eye contact with you as he pushed his cock in and out of you.

"I don't think I'm going to last much longer," he said. Leaning up you kissed him again and replied, "then take me with you babe."

With that he began to grind his hips pounding into you as he sought his release and yours. You felt yourself flying up over the edge and suddenly you flew over, clenching your muscles around his cock as Gideon picked up his pace, crying out his name. Gideon came right after you, his hot seed spilling into you, your name on his lips. A few more thrusts as he rode his orgasm out and he collapsed, rolling over onto his side, taking you with him.

You got up onto one elbow and kissed him one more time. He cradled your cheek, rubbing his thumb over it, over your lips. He looked peaceful.

"God I don't deserve you. But I also don't know what the hell I'd do without you."

You smiled, placing a kiss on the inside of his hand.

"Just remember you don't always have to be the rock." She snuggled into him as he grabbed the blanket from the edge of the bed and pulled it up over them, tucking it around her.

"Thank you," he whispered, nuzzling into the top of her head.

"You're welcome," she whispered back. "But you will pay for that 'only girls show weakness' crack."

Gideon barked out an unexpected laugh. He would look forward to making it up to her. As they both came down on off their sex high, they snuggled in closer and soon fell asleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. Hopefully it reads ok! As always I would LOVE comments. Thanks to those who did comment!

**Author's Note:**

> I debated on where to end this one. In my head I continued with another scene that was sex, but not sex for sex sake. More of a continuation of Gideon's catharsis love scene. What do you think? Should I add it or leave it as is? Leave me a comment! 
> 
> If you have a prompt I would love to try my hand at that, so please leave a comment! :-)


End file.
